The Tendencies Of N (Deluxe Edition)

by Samantha Carter

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about

About two years ago I released this album. I had just gotten back from college after dropping out due to a series of insane happenings culminating in an overdose of my antidepressants, after which I lived with my father in a small condo apartment in the woods with a bunch of senior citizens. Dad was home late every night, I had a dress in my closet, there were maggots in the cupboard. I ate little, I slept often. I made mistakes, I spent a lot of time lying on the floor of the bathroom listening to the sound of the shower and pretending it was rain. I looked at the dress in my closet. I saw a therapist who recommended me books on crossdressing. I went to an inpatient facility. My room was filthy. At night, I wore the dress in my closet. It clung to me like a second skin and growled at me from behind the sliding doors and under the piles of clothes I hid it under.
After a point, I couldn't take much more, I locked the door to my room and made this album, a violent exorcism of my own haunting. This tape is possessed. I wanted to forget about this album, but I've instead decided that it may have some importance to someone out there, someone who was where I was; closeted, living in a bad place, without resources.
I am currently living as an out trans woman. There are two beautiful and amazing women in my life who make me feel so loved. Soon I will be heading back to college. I now wear that dress I kept in my closet to dinners with family. I am happier than I ever thought possible.
Exorcise your demons. Rip them violently from your chest and place them on a canvas if you must.

This tape is possessed, but I am possessed no longer.
Hell is real we can make a home there.

credits

released October 21, 2016

Credit to Francine Personfaces for the amazing track art and Smelku for the Photoshop skills I did not possess at the time. Poem sampled in "Proculo" is T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland." Downloading the full album package also gives alternate album promo art from Francine and a poem I wrote in High School that was the initial inspiration for the album itself.

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Samantha Carter Connecticut

samantha carter kneeland

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